It’s raining again here in Southwest Ohio.  Gray days and January go together here like peanut butter and jelly.  That plus the Christmas credit card bill can be a little depressing, or maybe a LOT depressing, this time of year!

As I sloshed through the yard today, I tried to look on the bright side … at least it’s not ice … at least Spring is on the way … at least I’m wearing rain boots.

That last one made me smile because one of the best things about this past holiday is that I passed on one of my favorite poems about rain boots.  My daughter, my mother, my nieces, and my sister in law all received a copy of Sarah Kay’s poem “B” (aka “If I Had a Daughter”) along with their very own pair of rain boots.

If you have a daughter (or even a son), you will appreciate the message of Kay’s poem: life can sometimes be hard, but if you look, you can always find the beauty.

In one part of the poem she says,

I’ll always keep an extra supply of

chocolate and rain boots nearby,

because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix.

Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks that chocolate can’t fix.

But that’s what the rain boots are for.

Because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

During these January days, it’s important that we have our “rain boots” on to protect us from the blahs.  Spring is out there, sunny days are out there, better moods are out there, we just have to be patient.  I always give myself permission to be a little grumpy this time of year … be patient with yourself too.

I hope you get the chance to watch the first part of this video I’ve included … it is Sarah Kay performing her poem. The poem takes about 3 minutes to watch, the rest is worth it too if you have the time.

Extra-Ordinary Ideas:

Read It:  You can get Kay’s poem in book form from Amazon.com

B by Sarah Kay

Do It:  Put on your rain boots and face the rest of winter.

Think It: “Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain”

Watch It:

I was shocked at how long it had been since I’ve posted a column… similar to the shock I feel when I hold up my jeans and think those look SO BIG, but alas, they fit like a glove every time!

So where in the world have I been? I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I’m TERRIBLE at compartmentalizing … so instead of keeping up the column while working to grow my business, The Playground Group, I put all of my creative energy into developing, designing and delivering workshops last year. And since I’m on the topic (beware shameless plug coming), check out our public workshops for 2012.

Now that I feel like that business is up and running, I’m ready to share my two cents and possibly even a nickel’s worth again.  I hope you’re willing to listen.  So onward!

This year for Christmas I got a new alarm clock.  It’s pretty fancy and lately I’ve been waking up to the sounds of the ocean (only problem is now whenever my kids flush in the bathroom above us in the middle of the night, I wake up too!)  Although I’m not crazy about alarm clocks in general, I do love the snooze button.  It’s up there with one of the best inventions of all time.

The problem is it’s so easy to keep hitting it.  And as I was reflecting on the New Year, I realized there are a few too many things that I’ve been hitting the snooze button on in my own life.  That second book … snooze … that trip to Italy … snooze … taking a screenwriting class … snooze.  And it’s not just the big stuff, it’s the little stuff too … having a movie night with my daughter, calling a friend to meet for dinner, spending time being creative for no reason at all … snooze, snooze, snooze.

So my wish for the New Year is to be more aware of when I’m hitting snooze in my own life … and while I won’t be able to do it all, I can at least focus in and set my sights on a few long held goals.

So while I’m working on that second book, I’ll be wondering what you’ve been postponing in your own life and wishing that this is the year you go for it!

EXTRA-Ordinary Ideas:

Read It:  One of my favorite New Year’s reads … A Gift from The Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh … this is one I keep going back to every year.
Gift from the Sea

Do It:  Pick one do-able thing that you’ve been putting off that you would really, really look forward to if it finally got on your calendar.  Make a space for it this month.

Think It: “The object of the New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.” G.K. Chesterton

Not to be left out of the party (I am the one who went back for Invisilign when my kids both got braces), I realized I’m going through some of my own growing pains.  At first I resisted, saying to myself that I was just being silly getting so wrapped up in noticing all of these CHANGES in my kids.  That wasn’t working so well.  Just shy of a few meltdowns, I realized that it was going to be easier to pause, take a look around life, feel good about how far we have all come together as a family, reflect on how much goodness there has been to this point, and then celebrate (instead of being so afraid of) moving forward.

And I have to say this approach has been so much easier.  Parenting teens is hard enough; I didn’t need the added layer of dread that comes with resisting what’s going to happen anyway.  The adventure of parenting is always exciting because it’s ever changing.  One thing remains the same … I’m never sorry when I pay attention to what’s going on in their worlds.  And I’m still excited when they want to share the latest that’s going on in their lives … I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow that!

As they say, no pain, no gain … and there’s a lot to gain still.

No matter what stage of life you’re in, growing pains can be a huge blessing that remind you of all the good life has served up and all the good that is still to come.

Extra-Ordinary Ideas

Read It:  By Regina Brett … this is a great, easy read by a columnist from Cleveland who has a sense of the practical that I love.
God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours

Do It: Check in to see what you’re resisting. Are you stopping yourself from moving forward?

Think It: “You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.” Irish Saying

I’ve become a little obsessed with making a mental note every time I have a best bite moment!

It reminds me that paying attention is the biggest part of life, and the part that’s so easy to skip in the hurry up pace of today’s world.

Actually, the best bite mentality can spill over into lots of other areas.  Have you ever noticed that if you look for the good in someone instead of all of the flaws you start being able to appreciate them in a new way?  Have you ever noticed that if you stop the mental chatter about everything you don’t like about yourself and focus on what you do like, you feel a heck of a lot better?

Try noticing the “best bites” in your life for a few days.  I’m guessing you’ll start to notice that even though your plate is full, it’s full of delicious moments!

Extra-Ordinary Ideas

Read It:  Bossypants by Tina Fey.  I just started this book, and I’ve already had several laugh out loud moments.
Bossypants

Do It: Get your summer groove on. Be a step ahead of the game and decide on a few (fun and simple) things that you want to do over the summer. Cleaning out the garage is not included!

Think It: “We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” Calvin & Hobbes

I know how you feel.  Sometimes it smacks me up side the head just how important it is to carve out time to do something as frivolous as write down how we feel about someone else.

Over a year ago, I wrote this letter to my daughter on the occasion of her 13th Birthday. It won’t be long and she’ll be 14, graduating from grade school and headed to high school in the Fall.  Along the way, there have been some regrets as a parent, but I never regret taking the time to write this letter.  I hope it inspires you to write your own to someone dear to you.  A version of it appeared in Our Town magazine last Spring, but when I came across it this week, I wanted to share it again.

——————-

When you meet your spouse as a teenager, your firstborn turning 13 has a whole new meaning.  And even though lately she’s taken to walking at least a good 20 feet ahead of me wherever we go, I couldn’t let the milestone pass without reflecting a little.  The letter to follow is more for me than for Carli, but that’s ok, I think I’ve earned it.

Dear Carli,

Thirteen years ago Dad and I whisked you out of the hospital. You were cocooned in your car seat and wearing a little pink hat.  While Dad carried you, I carried a stash of diapers that were each so tiny they could fit in the palm of my hand.

When you were three weeks old, we rode all the way home from KK and Papa Rick’s and forgot to buckle you in.  Even though your little bamboo neck was all wonky, and you were curled up in a little ball in your seat, you survived our first big mistake.  I cried for an hour and told Dad, “This isn’t a joke.  We have to be really careful now.”  I emphasized now as if carefulness up to this point didn’t really matter.  And looking back, I have to say, in some ways it didn’t.

But now, you’re a teenager, and I know, you hate it when I start on my story kick.  To you, thirteen years was forever ago, but to me it’s palpable, so vivid I can smell it, the Johnson’s Baby Shampoo, the Dreft fabric softener, Gerber bananas, Isomil, and the unique scent of your favorite blankie.

I could spend thousands of words talking about how once you were born it was like someone had wrapped my heart in string lights, and each year when I thought the lights couldn’t get any brighter or more beautiful, they did.

I can just see you rolling your eyes as you read this, thinking, “Really, Mom, do you have to be so dramatic?”  But a birthday like this stirs the pot, loosens the grip on memories that I have held tight.  It doesn’t seem like that long ago when I was thirteen. My friend Susie and I called boys from her basement telephone, coated our lips with strawberry Bonne Bell lip gloss that stung with fruitiness, and stayed up all night talking about what it would be like to go to high school or kiss a boy or meet our future husbands on a trip to Kings Island.

You’re much more refined and capable than I was at 13.  I was still eating Cocoa Puffs and Spaghettios, watching Brady Bunch reruns and General Hospital after school, and sleeping until noon when I could.  You love granola and yogurt, grilled asparagus, anything with shrimp, and Dad’s Saturday morning omelets with things like spinach, red peppers and pepperjack cheese.  You watch sophisticated shows like Lost and The Office and get up early to satisfy your book habit or practice your guitar.

I know you’re thinking, “Enough, Mom, this is getting weird.”

So I’ll get to the point.  You’re pretty incredible.  In fact, most thirteen-year-olds are, they just don’t believe it.

When I was in second grade, I used to accidentally wear my Brownie uniform on the wrong day.  I’d come to school all dressed in my brown knee socks, tan jumper, and little orange necktie.  At 8:05 I ‘d realize the mistake I made, and my stomach would sink and for the rest of the day, the world was just wrong.

Sometimes that’s what being a teenager feels like, like you showed up on the wrong day, wearing the wrong thing, and everyone is looking at you, and it’s all your fault. It’s not always easy being in the space between knowing and understanding, between child and adult, between insecure and confident.

Thirteen is desperate to belong, but to what is the question.  And, my advice is belong to you.  Spend less time worrying about what others think and more time trying on life, seeing what fits and what doesn’t. Love what you love and do what you want to do because in the pit of your stomach it feels right, not because someone else told you to or you think you should.  Don’t waste your time trying to be like everyone else, that only works for so long, and you might as well get a jump start on being authentic.  If you’re not, life can be miserable.

But most importantly, have fun.  Watch goofy movies and stay up until the wee hours at sleepovers, sing out loud to the radio and dance in front of the mirror, get the giggles and poke fun at yourself.  In other words, soak up everything that 13 has to offer.  If you sponge up those memories, they’ll last you a lifetime.

Love,

Mom

——————-

Extra-Ordinary Ideas

Read It:  Will You Still Be My Daughter? by Carol Lynn Pearson
Will You Still be My Daughter?: A Fable for Our Times (Fable for Our Times, 3)
My mom gave me this book and I still treasure it.

Do It:  Write a note to someone you love.  Even if it’s only a couple of paragraphs it will be a keepsake forever.

Think It: “To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.”  Phyllis Theroux

How many negative thoughts do you have each day about your body? It’s ok, admit it.  I promise not to tell.

If you’re like the average woman, according to a recent study by Glamour magazine, you have 13 negative thoughts a day about your body.  Some women admitted having as many as 50 to 100 negative body thoughts a day!

This study made me happy and sad.  Happy to know I’m pretty much like every other American woman who beats herself up on a daily basis, and sad to know that American women beat themselves up on a daily basis.

I think it’s time to Spring Clean those negative thoughts.  For the next 66 days (the average amount of time it takes to form a habit according to a recent study by University College London), I’m going to focus on throwing up a big pink Stop Sign in my mind when I start going down the “wish I had a bikini body” road.  Instead, I’m going to focus on all that my body allows me to do each day that I take for granted … walk the dog, hug my kids, take a stroll through a park, go to work … you get the picture.  Frankly, I don’t have time to ruminate on what I don’t have … I need to start appreciating what I’ve got!  What about you?  Are you willing to STOP bullying yourself too?

EXTRA-Ordinary Ideas:

Read It:  Read the Glamour article here for more great ideas on how to overcome that little voice in your head. (BEWARE: The pic on the article is one of the reasons 97% of us have negative body images! Not the best choice, Glamour.)

Do It: Make a mental note every time your body makes your life easier for you. It’s working overtime, and we’re not even appreciative!

Think It:  “Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else lest you spoil God’s curriculum.”  Baal Shem Tov

You can enjoy a dinner out without the peering eyes of autograph seekers. You probably never have to worry about annoying paparazzi.  And, you’re pretty much guaranteed that a close up of your backside in a bathing suit won’t ever appear on a tabloid cover (I say Thank God for that!). The joys of anonymity can be lovely.

On the flip side, I’ve discovered that ordinary living has a few of it’s own pitfalls.  Just like stars can get sucked in to the dark side of celebrity, we can get sucked into the dark side of routines and ruts. Have you ever gotten to the point where you feel like life is becoming a lot like the movie Groundhog Day?

There’s a quick and easy antidote and it has to do with big dreams and baby steps. I recently read an article on Toya Shibata, a 99 year-old best selling Japanese poet who recently released her first anthology with great success.  Want to know the kicker?

She began writing poetry at the age of 92!

There are so many paths for us to take, but none of them matter if we don’t allow ourselves to see the paths or take those first baby steps down them.  It’s never too late to go for a dream, to try something new, or to explore something completely out of your comfort zone.

That’s what keeps life vibrant and it also keeps you interesting (to yourself and to others).  So what have you been waiting to do?  Can you take a teeny tiny baby step down that path somehow this week?

Go for it!

Extra-Ordinary Ideas

Read It:  Read about Toya’s journey to becoming a poet.  Inspirational!

Do It:  Throw out judgment when it comes to choosing something to explore – a new career, dance, photography, baking, computer programming, stamp collecting, volunteering – give yourself permission to investigate.

Think It: “Never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about.” Unknown

If you’re anyplace like I am, it’s cold, gray, and anything but tropical.  This is the time of year when it’s really (really, really, really) hard to be an optimist.  But in my perpetual quest to see the bright side, I’ve thought of a dozen ways to enJOY the moment despite the weather, the winter, and the weariness of January.

1. Quit believing everything you think. Your mind is telling you that it’s too cold, it’s not sunny enough, you need to go on a diet, yadda, yadda, yadda.  It’s human nature to focus on the negative. How many negative thoughts are running amuck in your mind?  The easiest way to stop them from multiplying like rabbits is to be aware of how much negativity you’re manufacturing.  Wouldn’t you rather manufacture something else?

2. Focus on comfort. Do you have a favorite pair of slippers? a cozy pair of socks? a sweater that you love to wear when it’s cold? Now is the time to grab it.  Wrap yourself up in feel good fabrics and favorites.

3. Be kind to yourself. This isn’t the time of year to beat yourself up about all that you’re not doing. Give yourself a break this month and give yourself permission to take it easy after a long day.  Get the essentials done … and the rest can wait.

4. Music, music, music. Find that song that makes you want to move.  A great pair of headphones and 3 minutes and you can totally turn your mood around.

5. Stay away from energy drains. Now is not the time to call up that friend who always has the world’s worst, saddest, or depressing story to tell.  Surround yourself with others who are trying to see the bright side during these dark days.

6. Mix it up. Try doing something out of order or unusual.  Breakfast for dinner, a movie on a weeknight, burgers, corn on the cob and baked beans for an indoor cook “out.”  The element of surprise will bring a smile to faces around you.

7. Color. Paper plates with a new design, a coral shirt that you usually reserve for spring … how can you use some color to brighten up your days?

8. Inspiration. Take a quick trip around the internet for quotes, music, and videos that inspire you.  Now is the time to give yourself a few extra minutes to soak in something that resonates with you.  I always take a look around TED talks this time of year.

9. Go to the Library. It’s free, easy, and has a world of whatever you want awaiting.  Peruse the travel books, especially the ones with pictures.  It will give you the motivation to keep working so you can take a great vacation in the summer.

10. Find the Funny. Nothing gets the endorphins flowing like a good laugh.  Have you checked out Awkward Family Photos yet?  What a brilliant idea.  And don’t miss the Awkward Family Stories – you can get to them from the home page.  Hys-ter-i-cal.

11. Start a Project. If you’re not the type to sit still and wait winter out, maybe a good project will lift your mood.  Project Life is a great place to get started.

12.  Master a Mantra. When all else fails, have a go to phrase.  Mine is currently “Spring is on the way.” Just thinking about all of the things that are happening already in preparation for Spring brings me hope.  And that’s a big Hooray!

Extra-Ordinary Ideas:

Read It:  If you have a favorite book, now might be the time to dig in and re-read it.  A great read can lift your spirits!

Do It: Explore some of the links listed above and share them with some friends.  Everyone appreciates being the recipient of a nice email.

Think It: “Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.” Victor Hugo

Since it’s January, I’m sure you’ve had your fill of Christmas music for the season.  That’s why I decided to mix it up a little because the best way to bring JOY to THE world is to bring JOY to YOUR world.

Have you thought about what brings you joy lately?  And more importantly is your life set up so that you can actually enjoy some of those things on a regular basis?

I have a trick I use that some of you may have heard me speak about before.  It’s called a Joy Map.  Several years ago I was teaching a college writing class.  I had my students do a Joy Map by putting Joy in the center of a piece of paper.  They then had to put 12 circles around the paper and fill those circles in with guaranteed joy experiences.  As they were working, I put my joy map on the board.  I had all kinds of cool stuff up there … going on dates, taking long walks, visiting with my best friend … and on and on. I walked around the classroom to see how the students were progressing.  When I turned to go back to the front of the room, I was stopped in my tracks!  I didn’t do any of the things on my Joy Map anymore.

I had let my life get filled up with obligations and stress and worry.  I knew something had to change.  That was the beginning of the many great things that have filled my life since that fall day.  I made sure to start bringing some of those things back into my life.

The New Year is a great time to create your own JOY map.  It’s simple and quick, and all you need is a piece of paper and a pen.  I try to create one at least twice a year because it’s ever evolving and changing.  Make sure you’re putting things that actually bring you joy instead of things you think are “supposed” to bring you joy.

I did a quick 2011 version this morning, and I’ve posted the pic here for you to see.

Here’s to bringing some JOY to your world. I know I’m looking forward to upping the JOY factor in my own life.  Happy New Year!  Make someone’s day and forward them The Ordinary Matters.

eXtra Ordinary Ideas:

Read It:  Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World by Mary Pipher

Those of you who have stuggled with worry or anxiety will get some great insights from this book, especially in the second half.   Pipher’s text is easy to read and powerful in spots.  She hits the mark on what it’s like to be a constant worrier and offers solutions that helped her find some peace. She has worked for many years as a psychotherapist, so her knowledge is vast.

Do It:  Take the JOY Map Challenge.  Sketch out your own joy map.  In fact, send me a pic when you do!

Think It:  “Joy is not in things; it is in us.” Richard Wagner

So how are you feeling about the Holidays?

The only antidote I’ve found to Christmas Chaos is to go with the flow of the holidays in all of their messiness. It’s much easier to float than to swim upstream to reach perfection.

One way to ease the pressure is to collect moments.

Be aware enough to recognize those little moments in the season when the unexpected and divine happens. Remember to register the surge of joy they bring before mentally folding them up and storing them in your shoe for safekeeping.

These moments fill me up and allow me to keep going when I don’t think I can possibly hear one more Christmas song, wrap one more package, or enter one more store.

An unexpected dance to Christmas music in the kitchen, watching my kids hang a favorite ornament on the tree, a hug from a friend I haven’t seen forever, the lights twinkling as I drive through the neighborhood, adding another splash of bourbon to the eggnog (ok, you get the picture).

Make sure to feel your feel good moments this season. Sometimes it’s easy to gloss over the good stuff when there’s so much other stuff to do or when thoughts of the holidays produce melancholy for those people and times that we’ve lost.

The holidays are waiting for us to pay attention to those little things that make them worth waiting for all year long for. Collect some treasures this year for yourself.

Merry Christmas to You!

EXTRA-Ordinary Ideas

Read It: Need a laugh this season? This is the book that will do it.
Holidays on Ice: Stories

Do It: Go the extra step and write down those little moments that make this holiday special. A list on the pantry door that everyone can add to is a great way to spread holiday cheer.

Think It: “Every night I turn my worries over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.” Mary C. Crowley